How do you people put up with all my nonsense? I’m amazed.

Whenever i’m mad/angry/upset, I always want to rant but then I realize that I just feel sad about it cause it all the anger is just hurting me and I don’t want to rant anymore. And then i’m just sad. like right now. today has been a shit day. And instead of being all “well fuck this shit!” I feel like crying because I realize my life is pointless. All I do is complain as to how bad I have it. I always have something to complain about. Like today, I woke up at 7 with nothing to do, just laid in my bed till about 9. Seriously I have no TV or music device (cd player, radio, ipod, etc.). At 9 I got dressed, and left the house at 10 to go to work with my mom cleaning some old person’s house. We started at 12, finished by 2 and we went to eat. I got a side salad, mom got a chicken thing. We then rushed to the dentist’s office becuase I had an appointment at 3 so we got there at 2:45-2:50. Waited 3 hours till about 6:15 pm when we decided to reschedual for monday (all I needed was a cleaning and a touch up on a filling). We got home and I get into an argument with my father which almost leads to a beating, sis comes home, hogs the tv while watching tv with her bf even though she has a tv in her room (no cable though but many dvd friendly gaming systems available) and sends me to my room. at 10:00 pm. and now i’m in my room that has nothing for entertainment. and I have to say up for another hour and a half so I can be able to wake up at 7 again to repeat the same thing. it makes me sad knowing how for living in a 1st world country, my life is pretty pathetic. You can say “oh well I have to work.” or “ateast you don’t have to take care of your nieces and nephews all day” like my little 12 year old cousin (Who has a ps3, iPod, android phone, laptop, desktop computer, 12 billion pairs of shoes, tons of new clothes, etc.) always complains about. but in reality, I would love to do those things because it gives me the sense of feeling like i’m needed. I feel like no one wants me and my mom is always saying i’m her right hand, but in the end, i’m alone. I just feel sad sometimes knowing that I have no purpose. it wouldn’t make a difference in my sisters life if I wasn’t here, my mom could always get her worker to help her again, my dad just argues with me anyways, they could have a spare room to store things, or for when visitors come, they can have a place to stay unlike now where we all cramp up. sometime I feel like life would be better without me. All I am is taking up space. And here I am, having the nerve to complain about how pointless I feel when there are children in this would who have it way worse off than I do. Fuck this, I’m done. well for now atleast. I’ll talk to you all later when i’m not burdening you with my problems. Sorry if this blog was just a huge waste of your time and if there was a way to give you that time back, trust me I would.

/sigh,

Maria

Semi short version - About 3 months ago I noticed a small lump in my left breast but thought nothing about it because my sis and mom told me it was normal. I forgot about it until about a month later when I was giving myself a self exam and I noticed it but I wasn’t sure if it was the same one so I noted it in a journal and forgot about it yet again. About two weeks ago, I was giving myself an exam and I noticed the bump again. I check with the journal and the spot matched with the bump, just the bump was slightly bigger than before. I made an appointment with my doctor and explained what was going on and my symptoms and she said that so we both sleep easier at night, she’d set up an appointment so I could get an ultrasound. Well today was my appointment and when I went it, I thought nothing would show up since the lump wasn’t that big (about a nickle almost a quarter). I was wrong. A dark shadow showed up on the screen and the nurse started taking pictures. After she finished she explained that to her it looked like regular tissue but she’d discuss it with the doctor to see what his opinion was. She returned and told me that I had fibromitosis which is a bengin tissue tumor that grows as my hormones increase, which is why I never noticed it until about 3 months ago. It appears it is going to keep growing as I grow so they recommended I get it removed before it gets any bigger, but most surgeons won’t perform without a confirmation of what it is, so most likely I’m going to have to get a biopsy first and then get it removed. Gonna find out what’s gonna happen on Friday possibly Monday. :/ what is my life? Good new, I straightened my hair like an hour ago. it’s getting pretty long (almost mid back). :3

Take a blow at me, see if I care, because in the end, I’ll always be alone. I may sound like a snob, but I never said I was nice. I guess this is my breaking point. I’m tired of people being shocked when I act out of character like hello, I’m not reading off of a script, you know? Everyone who’s ever known me usually gets hurt.I have yet to have anyone ever tell me that I’m not who I am in that last post. Because they’ve seen the way I can be. I don’t know why I’m doing this now, but I feel like it’s long overdue. If you still want to risk being my friend and hope that I won’t hurt you, go right on ahead and I’ll sure as hell try not to, but if you want to leave me, its okay, I’m used to it, you didn’t know the real me.

But I can be pretty confusing, and complicated. I have anger issues, I’m loud, I refuse to cry because in my eyes, it’s a sign of weakness, I am actually pretty shy but get me talking and I won’t stop. One minute I’m your friend, you say one bad thing and you become an aquaintence. I’ve had people literially ask me to my face whether or not I like them because one minute I’m talking to them and the next I’m giving them the cold shoulder, when I never even notice I’m doing it. I’ve been told I’m detached, cold, selfish, and just a flat out bitch, I’ve made my mom cry tons of times with my careless attitude and not “felt bad” about it and my sister has even disowned me. My fathers beating don’t hurt me anymore, when he strikes me I just laugh making him angrier and hit me more, I’ve gotten child sevices on him before and boy did my mom have a field day. forceful dicipline has no effect on me. I’m used to it. People think that eventually I’ll give a damn, but if I didn’t the first time, I sure as hell won’t the next time. I come off as a sweet, kind, caring person without a care in the world, and for the most part I’ve managed to convince even myself that that is who I am, but it’s not. I’m a careless bitch with no condideration for anyone’s well being except for my own. And I’ve accepted that. I try to avoid being me, but I always crash and burn and “I” come out. I can make you HATE me with just a look. I’m clingy, sarcastic, viciously jealous, have wished harm against others, talk back, curse and swear, have no personal regard for anyone elses feelings, am selfish, talk behind peoples back, rude, think I’m better than others, and other bad things. I am just a huge mess that is definitely not worth your time. I’m bipolar, push people away, I swear I have borderline personality disorder, don’t know it? Look it up. I usually always have to be right, never backs down from an argument, I’m stubborn, annoying, hell even my voice will annoy you. And I’ll continue to think of myself this way until someone can possibly prove me otherwise. This is me.

It feels nice. Different. But I like it. I hope it continues for a while. I need this.

iamsemi-charmed:

The truth.

furimmerheilig:

So we did this worksheet in civics. Through a rating of 1-10 we were meant to judge our beliefs on a specific matter. The point of the lesson was to determine whether we were liberals or conservatives. “Liberals believe in government action to achieve equal opportunity and equality for all.” The entire class identified as liberal or at most slightly moderate leaning towards liberal. For an entire class without a single conservative, I’m quite disappointed by a comment made to this one in particular. Now, ignorant male in my civics class, I was unsurprised when you boasted about rating “marijuana use” as 1 meaning it should have unrestricted use, I figured that much, you wanted to defend yourself against the law you were already breaking. Here though, you felt the need to sneer on the case of homosexuality “give that one a ten, death penalty for those fags” …joking or not, when the topic was mentioned last week you felt the need to joke about “fags” then too and I expected as much… but honestly, I defended your rights and rated your marijuana use below 5 thinking I would let you make that choice for yourself despite it not being my cup of tea and not 10 stating that you should get the death penalty for doing so… I guess I’ll just have to take pride in the fact that I personally wouldn’t take your rights away from you because I truly do believe in equality and would just hope that you could make smart choices for yourself, but it’s nice to know that you think many of the people simply seeking love deserve to die just because they seek it in the same gender. I hope you enjoy your ignorance, because if we ever get the opportunity to debate this in civics class, I promise, you’re going to get schooled. Funny thing about it will be, while you use your ridiculous name calling, I’ll be using facts. Next time you think it’s funny, because I could tell that you were making a joke about the situation, maybe you should consider the fact that there might be a homosexual in your class, or someone that cares about one, or maybe even just someone that truly does believe in equality… you, a self proclaimed liberal, saying that a group of people should be denied rights, joking that they shouldn’t even be allowed to live… I was a bit unnerved by that. I hope you don’t think it’s funny that people like you are the reason suicides are on the rise in the LGBT community. Please lose the ignorance and stop trying to show off to the class, it’s not impressive. The statement was far from appropriate in that setting. Granted, I acknowledge the right to that opinion, but it was disrespectful and quite honestly not necessary to make that comment out loud to the entire class where anyone could hear it. While it just annoyed the crap out of me, it could have really hurt someone else to hear that a classmate has no trouble at all saying they deserve the death penalty for being who they are.

“Any people who are planning on committing suicide, don’t kill yourself.

You would be dead already if the world didn’t need you.” -www.sixbillionsecrets.com